Author: Oren Jay Sofer,Author

Oren Jay Sofer, author of Say What You Mean, is a graduate of Columbia University with a concentration in Comparative Religions. (2019, p.286) He is a certified teacher and trainer in the art and craft of Non-Violent Communication/Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, senior program director at Mindful Schools, and founder/co-founder of Next Step Dharma/Mindful Healthcare. His interest in Non-Violent Communication began in high school and he later spent nearly three years as anagarika, or Buddhist renunciate. To learn more about Sofer please visit either nextstepdharma.org or mindfulhealthcare.net.

Sofer states that “Human communication is complex. There are a myriad of factors in any interaction. Our emotions, ideas, and beliefs come into play both verbally and nonverbally.” (2019, p.5) To which he designates three steps for better communication. They are; “lead with presence, come from curiosity and care, and focus on what matters.”

Mindfulness according to Sofer is “…being aware of what’s happening in the present moment in a balanced and nonreactive way.” (2019, p.25) How often can you say you have partaken in conversing in this way? Too often we get wrapped in the emotions of the moment and forget to be present and observant before reacting.

There are helpful exercises along the way where Sofer helps people learn how to better communicate with one another. This is necessary because as Sofer states, “Human beings are unpredictable.” (2019, p.53) “How we view things determines how we relate to them, which shapes our intention.” (p.63)

When conflict arises there are four basic ways we can deal with it. They are; “conflict avoidance, competitive confrontation, passivity, and passive aggression.” (2019, p.64) There are definitions and examples of each of these conflict alternatives offered up so we can see where we fit into this puzzle. Also note that we may change styles as the conflict changes too. However, there is usually one overarching dominant thread that is our personality.

Listening is a big part of communication. Do you listen to understand or simply to hear? So Sofer asks us to learn how to listen. Again, there are exercises so you can become proficient at this too. Learning to truly listen Sofer says is tantamount to “..reclaiming our humanity.” (2019, p.118) But, it takes a concerted effort to develop this skill.

There is nearly an entire page devoted to emotions. “Naming our emotions is a necessary foundation for mindful communication and the first component of emotion recognition. We refine this by feeling them in our body.” (2019, pgs. 142-3) Recognize that “Our emotions almost always come with a story.” (p.144)

Blaming someone else for what is amiss means holding another responsible for how we react emotionally. However, it is important to note that we need to take responsibility for our actions and reactions. There are several questions that Sofer invites us to contemplate as we walk through this myriad of activities that lead to our actions and reactions.

I am not going to tell you everything this book states. I will tell you that I enjoyed it and learned a lot that I hope to use in my personal and professional life going forward. If you feel like you need to learn how to better communicate I invite you to buy your copy and perform the exercises as they supplement the reading in this wonderful book.