Reviewer Michelle Kaye Malsbury:
Michelle was born in Champaign, IL. Currently, she resides in Asheville, NC
and is in her second year of doctoral studies at Nova Southeastern
University in Ft. Lauderdale with specialization/concentration in
conflict resolution and peace studies. She has over six hundred
articles published on the web and one book published thus far with
many more in the wings. Hobbies include; reading, writing, music, and
playing with her Australian Cattle Dog, Abu.
Author: Karl Pillemer, PhD.
Publisher: Hudson Street Press
In the introduction Pillemer asks the question, “How can two very different individuals come together and create a relationship that lasts a lifetime?” (2015) To which he adds, “Shifting norms about marriage and the rise of social media have made finding a mate and deciding to commit more confusing.” Regarding elders Doctor Pillemer states, “The elders have gone through all of the marital problems and traumas that keep younger people awake at night. All of them have dealt with health issues – their own or their partner’s.”
Chapter 1 tells us to “Be extremely careful about who you marry.” (2015, p.1) Furthermore, “You can’t make something out of nothing.” Characteristics that we need to include in this laundry list for a particular mate are: “You need to look for things like fidelity, honesty, caring, and humor. Find out what their long-term goals are; what their feelings are about success, achievement, money, raising children.” Because, “You have to think carefully about who you can actually live with.” And perhaps also what you can live without.
Is anything 100%? Pillemer says that “Close to 100% of the experts are in agreement on this one point. You can never be absolutely sure that you have found the right person.” (2015, p.3) However, “..the best way to have a lifelong, fulfilling marriage is to make a very careful choice. “
Lesson One says to “Follow your heart.” (2015, p.7) And ask this question, “should I stay or should I go?” Doctor Pillemer says that nobody should commit to a relationship without some sort of gut reaction or intuition that says yes! (2015, paraphrase) Conversely, if you should have “a visceral, intuitive, nagging sense that this relationship is just not right.” (p.11) Run!
Just like buying property Doctor Pillemer says that one should conduct due diligence in the search for an apt partner. Ask questions like; “Will my partner be a good provider?” (2015, p.20) According to Pillemer experts agree that if your careers goals are out of sync the rest of your relationship might also be out of sync. (paraphrase) On the topic of money and stability he offers the following, “Money may not be the root of all evil, but it certainly is the root cause of a lot of marital dissatisfaction.” (p.22) If you are in your child bearing years you might also ask how this potential partner would rank as a parent. (paraphrase)
The remainder of the chapters in this book offer advice in areas of values, communication, keeping the flame ignited, and more. Whether you are considering a new or first time partner this book offers sage advice on how best to see if they measure up. I enjoyed it and believe you will too!
Warmly recommended with caution.