Follow Here To Purchase 30 Lessons for Loving: Advice from the Wisest Americans on Love, Relationships, and Marriage

Author: Karl Pillemer, PhD.

Publisher: Hudson Street Press

ISBN 978-1-59463-154-2

Doctor Pillemer is a specialist in Gerontology. (inside back cover, 2015) His research and findings have been internationally accepted. He enjoys writing and researching how people change and develop throughout their lives. Pillemer is currently a professor of Human Development for Cornell University. He founded the Cornell Institute for Translational Research on Aging. Previously he authored five books and has penned more than a hundred scientific articles on the topics of aging, family relationships, and elder care. He resides in upstate New York.

In the introduction Pillemer asks the question, “How can two very different individuals come together and create a relationship that lasts a lifetime?” (2015) To which he adds, “Shifting norms about marriage and the rise of social media have made finding a mate and deciding to commit more confusing.” Regarding elders Doctor Pillemer states, “The elders have gone through all of the marital problems and traumas that keep younger people awake at night. All of them have dealt with health issues – their own or their partner’s.”

Chapter 1 tells us to “Be extremely careful about who you marry.” (2015, p.1) Furthermore, “You can’t make something out of nothing.” Characteristics that we need to include in this laundry list for a particular mate are: “You need to look for things like fidelity, honesty, caring, and humor. Find out what their long-term goals are; what their feelings are about success, achievement, money, raising children.” Because, “You have to think carefully about who you can actually live with.” And perhaps also what you can live without.

Is anything 100%? Pillemer says that “Close to 100% of the experts are in agreement on this one point. You can never be absolutely sure that you have found the right person.” (2015, p.3) However, “..the best way to have a lifelong, fulfilling marriage is to make a very careful choice. “

Lesson One says to “Follow your heart.” (2015, p.7) And ask this question, “should I stay or should I go?” Doctor Pillemer says that nobody should commit to a relationship without some sort of gut reaction or intuition that says yes! (2015, paraphrase) Conversely, if you should have “a visceral, intuitive, nagging sense that this relationship is just not right.” (p.11) Run!

Just like buying property Doctor Pillemer says that one should conduct due diligence in the search for an apt partner. Ask questions like; “Will my partner be a good provider?” (2015, p.20) According to Pillemer experts agree that if your careers goals are out of sync the rest of your relationship might also be out of sync. (paraphrase) On the topic of money and stability he offers the following, “Money may not be the root of all evil, but it certainly is the root cause of a lot of marital dissatisfaction.” (p.22) If you are in your child bearing years you might also ask how this potential partner would rank as a parent. (paraphrase)

The remainder of the chapters in this book offer advice in areas of values, communication, keeping the flame ignited, and more. Whether you are considering a new or first time partner this book offers sage advice on how best to see if they measure up. I enjoyed it and believe you will too!

Warmly recommended with caution.