The English are watching on television the brutal massacres in Syria. They have raised their security level from “miffed” to “peeved.” They may raise it again to “really irritated,” or even “a bit crossed.” This should be a warning to foreigners because the last time the British felt “a bit crossed” was in 1588 when they had to defeat the Spanish Armada.

The Spanish at the same time have their new submarines to meet the threat. These are beautiful vessels with glass bottoms so the Spanish navy today can see the vessels of the old Spanish navy.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “damn it” to “let’s go get them.” The latter level was last used when Bonnie Prince Charlie pretended to claim the throne in 1745.

The French, who had promised to help Charlie but never did, decided after an existential moment, to raise its alert level from “hide” to “run.” They are considering the other levels, surrender” and “collaborate.” They continue to adore Joan of Arc as French because she was maid in France.

The Italians have changed from “shout loudly” to “does my uniform fit after all this pasta?” They plan to sing “che bella cosa” as they change sides.

The Germans have increased their alert from “lofty arrogance” to “how dare they?”

The next level is “why does the neighbor want us to invade it?”

The Irish changed from “let’s stop drinking Irish whiskey” to “we’ll cobber them when we’re sober.”

The Swiss wanted to meet the threat by a painful thought, “let’s close the banks.” Then they thought “let’s face them with the Swiss navy.”

The European Union met and decided “We are neither for or against apathy.”

The Belgians replied to the threat “I hear what you say.” Then went on to say “ I disagree and don’t want to discuss it further.”

The Dutch replied to the threat “Could we consider some other options?” 

The Poles said “We will fight fire with fire.” Then they remembered that their Fire Department uses water.

The Czechs replied with excessive irony because they are used to Rye bread.

The Welsh replied “Be careful about dangerous cults. Practice safe sects.”

The Icelandic response was “Be aware of the assistants of Santa; they are subordinate clauses.”

The Norwegian rejected the threat, “You must have taken Leif off your census.”