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Today, Norm Goldman Publisher & Editor of Bookpleasures.com is pleased to have as our guest, Kimberly Cheryl author of Shattered Reality.

Kimberly is the founder and managing partner of Executive Defense Technology, LLC, an anti-victimization education firm. As a speaker, author, consultant and certified RAD (Rape/Aggression/Defense) instructor, she helps her clients optimize their personal safety.

Good day Kimberly and thanks for participating in our interview.

Norm:

Why do you feel that it was necessary for you to write Shattered Reality and for all of us to read at this time? How did you decide you were ready to write the book?

Kimberly: I believe that we need to wake up to the epidemic of child sexual assault that plagues our society and has for years. As a parent with a teen-aged daughter dealing with her abuse, I thought like most people – you commit a crime, you hurt a child- you must go to jail. Unfortunately, that is not the case, nor the norm.

During our struggles with the very legal system that was to protect my child and take a child molester off the streets, we found that, on average, only 1 in 16 perpetrators are ever prosecuted because these cases are seen as a “he said/ she said” and as adults we believe the perpetrators rather than the victims. As parents, most of us are horrified at the idea that our children might be victims of sexual abuse. But at the same time, the silence that surrounds sex creates a fertile environment for the very threat we fear. No young person is safe as long as we all cooperate in maintaining the silence.

Much of our focus as parents in keeping our children safe from sexual abuse is aimed at teaching them to avoid strangers: don't talk to them, ride with them, take gifts from them, etc. Horrible cases like the 1994 murder of 12-year-old Polly Klaas in Petaluma, California, focus national attention on the danger from strangers bent on abusing children.

There's a growing outcry about releasing repeat sex offenders from jail back into unsuspecting communities. The risks inherent in these circumstances are every parent's nightmare. And the risks are real; criminals who commit sex-related crimes are among the most likely to be repeat offenders. Yet, these are not the majority of child sexual assault cases. Unfortunately, 90% of case occur where a child should feel the safest - in their homes by people that they know, love, and trust to keep them safe from harm. Because of the relationships involved, many children do not report their abuse.

While it may be impossible for a parent to predict which adults might be capable of this kind of behavior, we can educate our children on appropriate touch and telling when something isn't "right".

Sadly, the child is not the only one in the family who is confused and engaging in desperate ways to cope with the incest. Perpetrators often engage in some heavy rationalization, denial and avoidance of facing the reality of the situation..

But everyone in the family plays a role in keeping the abuse hidden. All too often, if a child does get up the nerve to confide in an adult, they are not believed. Even if they tell of the abuse later when they become an adult, other family members are likely to deny that the abuse could have happened. And if family members do acknowledge the truth of the abuse, they still put enormous pressure on the person who was abused to "keep the secret" and not embarrass the perpetrator or the family as a whole by letting others know.

Perhaps this is the harshest blow of all—when the whole family colludes to either deny what's happening or to deny its impact. Families need to see that the essence of a family is rooted not in what problems they face—but in how they deal with them. Too often they have been more concerned about protecting the family "image" than in supporting the recovery of the abused child.

Fortunately, there's a growing recognition of the need for the kind of honesty that releases children from their private prison of silence and honors their experience—which begins with a willingness to end the pattern of "protecting" the perpetrator.

It was a result of my frustration with our current legal system, lack of enforcement and lack of direct resources available for victims and their family members that I decided to write my book, become a speaker for RAINN and an advocate for change.

Norm

As a follow up, whom do you believe will benefit from your book and why?  

Kimberly: I believe any parent, teacher, counsellor, educator, or advocate will benefit from my family’s story. Parents of children who have been sexually assaulted are often faced with feelings of guilt. Questions they commonly ask include: ‘Why didn’t I know?’ and ‘Why didn’t my child tell me?"

Kids who have been sexually assaulted often don’t display visible wounds that can be fixed by medicine or a trip to the doctor. Their wounds can be much deeper than that, and last a lifetime. It is up to all of us, as concerned parents and responsible adults, to keep our children safe, and to be informed and aware of the signs that may be evident in a child who is being sexually assaulted.

One of the reasons I think it's useful to share my own personal experience in dealing with child sexual assault (rather than just talk about the issue from the "outside") is because I believe that despite whatever differences may exist in the specifics of our experience, those of us who have "been there" share a common bond. I truly hope that by sharing our story, other parents will see that they're not alone—that others have "been there" and understand.

Norm:

What was the most difficult part of writing Shattered Reality? What challenges or obstacles did you encounter while writing your book? How did you overcome these challenges? 

Kimberly: The most difficult part of writing Shattered Reality was finding a constructive way to share my emotions. This experience has left me with so very many conflicting, strong emotions. I guess, the writing was my way of working towards a place of personal healing and then hoping that it would help others in the process.

Norm: 

What was one of the most surprising things you learned in writing Shattered Reality?

Kimberly: The most surprising thing that I learned from writing Shattered Reality is the number of victims out there who are suffering. Many who didn’t “tell” until adulthood after years of negative affects on their lives.

 I am hoping that through counselling that won’t be the case for my daughter but it saddens me that with so many web sites, so much discussion about online predators and stranger danger, so many laws against child abuse – that we are not any further in our progress to stop this epidemic or change it than we were a couple decades ago.

Technology has made it easier for perpetrators to find victims but again – that is just the tip of the iceberg – strangers only account for 5 – 10% of assault cases. They are not the norm. We need better education and to open our eyes more to the realities of abuse – then we need to find a way to turn that cycle around.

Norm: 

How did you come up with the title Shattered Reality?

Kimberly: I had a hard time choosing between “A Matter of Trust” and “Shattered Reality” and the latter finally won through a friend and family vote. It just seemed to fit the situation, there are days that it is all still extremely surreal for me and I am still hoping to wake up from this nightmare and my family will be the way it used to be.

Today’s life is definitely a shattered portion of what it had been for the last 42 years and it made me look at what I thought was reality vs what it truly was. I had been living a life with and loving someone who was an actor in a play I had called my life – he wasn’t real or who he portrayed himself to be and that was one of the hardest things to have to deal with. 

Norm:

How has the feedback been so far and what will you be doing for promotion and how much of it is your doing? 

Kimberly: The feedback so far has been fantastic. I have received incredible support from a variety of organizations, psychologists, psychiatrists, educators and parents who are going through the same experiences. I have guest spots on several radio programs in the next few weeks and will be on NBC TV news on September 22^nd, 2008. Since I have self-published this edition, I have been doing all of the promotions on my own and have really been excited and surprised about the response I have received to date.

Norm: 

How is your daughter Tivona coming along as well as yourself and your family?

Kimberly: My daughter is coming along well. They say that it takes longer for parents and family to recover from these things because we haven’t been dealing with it as long and I think that’s the case.

My daughter and I are extremely close and although there are days that are worse than others – certain events, locations, reminders – she is my hero. She doesn’t see it but she is one of the strongest, bravest people I know and I admire her so much for it. She is speaking out for the YWCA now and just completed a video for them.

She has also helped other students at her school deal with similar issues. I can’t say it’s been an easy road for any of us though. We go to counselling weekly, she attended an intensive counselling program/camp with other kids this summer, she attends group sessions with other teen victims – she then journals and draws as an outlet.

 Her brother is filled with rage and anger at not being able to protect her – knowing that many times he was in the house when these things occurred. Her dad, grandparents, my sisters and myself are all filled with our own guilt and are all dealing with the event in our own way – one day at a time. But most importantly, he can not claim the title of abuser any more because we are all survivors.

Norm: 

As the criminal proceedings against your uncle have been were dropped by the prosecuting attorneys, are you suing him in the civil courts?

Kimberly: Yes, we are pursuing a civil case.  

Norm:

Do you worry about the human race?

Kimberly: Yes, Norm I worry tremendously about the human race but I think it would take another entire book to deal with that issue.

Norm: 

Where can our readers find out more about you and Shattered Reality?

Kimberly: You can find out more about me and Shattered Reality at www.execdeftech.com , www.kimberlycheryl.net or www.myshatteredreality.com  

Norm:

What is next for Kimberly Cheryl and is there anything else you wish to add that we have not covered? 

Kimberly: I am continuing to teach my Rape/ Aggression / Defense classes to adults as well as 6 different groups of local 10 grade gym classes. I am an advocate for children and their general welfare with the Lutheran Family and Children Services as well as a national speaker with RAINN. I am also pursuing more in the way of safety education for consumers about pharmaceuticals. I really appreciate your help and support and hope that in some small way our story will touch someone and help them with their own recovery (or prevention).

Thanks once again and good luck with your book and all of your future endeavors.