Author: Nicki Defago

ISBN: 1-904132-63-4

 

The following review was contributed by:  Helen Kaut: To read more of Helen Kaut’s Reviews Click HERE

Society is built on the concept of the traditional family. Women are expected to give birth to at least one child in their lives. However not everyone wants to have children, and not everyone is cut out to be a good parent. But people who have decided to remain childfree  are often pitied, patronized and criticized. This is where “Childfree And Loving It” steps in. The book was written by British journalist Nicki Defago who made the positive choice to remain childfree herself. She examines the reasons behind the assumptions that everyone wants children, explores why the people she interviewed did not want any children and also includes interviews with honest parents who regretted their choice of having children. Defago does this in a warm and engaging tone without being defensive or denigrating to parents.

The book is divided into two distinct parts. The first part explores all aspects of the choice to remain childfree and includes chapters about men and children, the difficulty of combining work with motherhood and “Instinct And Reason”. It also contains quotes and interviews with childfree women including Lionel Shriver, author of “We Need To Talk About Kevin”. Positive stories of childfree women from all over the world form the second and shorter part of the book.

For Defago it is not so much a question of telling you to have or not to have children, but about the “Freedom Of Choice” as her first chapter is called. Here she gives an overview of the many reasons why people choose not to have children, they range from simply not having the desire to be a mother (as actress Helen Mirren was quoted), to having more time to oneself and for the partner to a genuine concern for the environment. Contrary to general assumptions childfree people are well aware of what it means to be a parent, this becomes clear in chapter “What You Won’t Be Missing Out On”, hence their choice. Childfree people it emerges are also well aware of the advantages their childfree life brings. “The Childfree Stigma” goes more into the details of prejudice against childfree people. Defago points out that while no childfree people would question parents about their choice, they, as a minority who don’t comply with the norm, still have to face prejudice and unwanted comments. These range from pity to plain criticism of being selfish. What emerges in the many comments encountered is an underlying jealousy, after all the parents had a choice too but their choice is one they can’t undo.

“Parent Propaganda” dissects 10 typical statements by parents about childfree people. They range from “selfishness” and “you’ll change your mind”, to “child-free women are cold and un-nurturing” and “your life without children will be empty and unfulfilled”.

The chapter “Consumerism” explores the notion of the “accessory baby”. Parents are seen as the perfect cash cows by a big industry which sells them all sorts of products. Children are being brought up to be savvy consumers who need to keep up with their peers resulting in constant nagging until mummy and daddy give into their pressure. “Environment And Population” shows in more detail why remaining childfree is in fact a positive choice. While there is a falling birth rate in the Western world, the population in African countries such as South Africa is still rising despite the AIDS crisis. The economic argument for the increase of the birth rate still dominates, while the environmental point of view to reduce the birth rate in order to save the planet is rarely given a voice. Defago explores quite convincingly the reasons why over population is a threat to sustaining the environment.

Childfree readers will easily identify with the quotes and descriptions in the chapters “Sanctimonious Parents” and “Free Range Children”. Everyone at some point will come across smug parents who think because they gave birth, the world owes them and who use their children as an excuse for everything. Free range children, however, are those obnoxious children being brought up without boundaries much to the dismay of childfree people or parents who care about their environment.  

The most revealing chapter is “Honest Parents”, which touches on the last taboo, i.e. admitting that you regret your choice of having children and wish you could turn back time. It contains not only quotes from disappointed, struggling mums and dads but also from volunteers of the charity “Parentline” which deals with exhausted parents who are at their wit’s ends.

“Childfree And Loving It” is a well balanced book which explores all aspects of the topic but without being a one dimensional rant in favor of the choice of being childfree. It is a book you can’t put down and which gives the reader plenty food for thought. Although it is mainly targeted at childfree readers, I would recommend it to  those who are not sure if they want children and to smug parents, who are prejudiced against childfree people.