The following review was contributed by: S.SWAMY

Why Did I Marry You Anyway? by Barbara Bartlein is an excellent Manual to create a happy and stable marriage. No doubt, there have been many books already on the subject and there will be many more in the future. But each book needs to be looked into and evaluated on its own. Does the book cover the topic well? Is it readable? Does it make sense? Are the examples close to your heart? Are the solutions suggested practical?

I asked myself these questions as I read the book and happily I am able to say 'yes' to all these questions.

In 12.5 chapters (the last chapter is a half chapter and yes, probably the author doesn't want to call it the thirteenth chapter for well-known reasons), the author explores the various valid reasons for the marriage to get sour, derailed and broken, and counters with strategies to prevent the disaster. Yes, you guessed it, it is a good Maintenance Manual.

All through the book, the author is asking of only one thing from the partners, commitment. Commitment to make it work. Commitment can work wonders in any field of human endeavor and marriage is no exception. It is all fine to be having one's head in the clouds, to have all sorts of fanciful ideas, about what marriage should be, but wisdom dictates that one tempers these fancies with practicality and works to keep one's relationship with the 'life partner' stable. One example from Chapter 7: ""This balance between time together and autonomy is one of the critical challenges in a marriage. The need for autonomy requires understanding, communication, and a willingness to acknowledge that no one person, no matter how perfect, can fill all your needs.""

And if that statement makes you think that you can stray to fulfill your 'needs', read this:

Like land mines, there are signs of trouble before infidelity occurs. Wise married couples watch for danger signs and work to avoid the minefields. And when they feel terribly attracted to someone else, with a sexual urge that they absolutely cannot control, they run home to their spouses and make passionate love long into the night."" Very sensible advice from the author.

Personally I feel this issue requires great understanding from the partner's side too. Especially women are very intuitive and she knows that the man is mentally making love to someone else. Can she accept it? If she cannot and berates the man for it, she will be driving him physically too away from her. Thus what is being suggested by Barbara is not perfection or Saintliness, but commitment and a practical approach. A willingness to accept the frailities of human nature and not to dwell on the past but to refocus on the present and the future.

All inter-personal relationship problems arise from difficulty in communication, or especially what is called crossed-communication. Barbara rightly stresses the need for the couple to work out their problems through proper communication. Counselling plays a vital role in 'moderating' these potentially explosive situations where the verbal communication process breaks down and the non-verbal part, which could include shouting, screaming, pushing and physically hurting the other person, takes over. The author shares her rich experience in counselling many couples in her long career as a psychotherapist.

The correlation between poor communication skills and problems in inter-personal relationships, especially marriage could have been more thoroughly explored. The problems facing men and women are a little different and may be the author could write separate books, for 'Him', for 'Her' and for 'Us'. But the present book is a good starter.

The following are excerpts from what I wrote to the author after reading the book.

""Dear Barbara,

Thank you and Thank God for the book! It is an excellent gift for all married, would-be-married, waiting-for-the perfect mate, have-been-married-but divorced, in fact any man or woman. ................ You have touched upon all the aspects of marriage that can go wrong and you have given an excellent road-map to steer clear of the pitfalls and bouders ............

Your line on spirituality was very close to my own heart, but in today's America, it may not go down well with many. In fact, degradation of the spiritual life is probably the cause of increased divorce, increased promiscuity and increased crime rate.""